Beware the Ides of March



Before Julius Ceasar's demise, the ides of any month were nothing more than a part of the Roman calendar which refers to the middle of the month. Since Ceasar's bloody death way back when, the day has taken on an eerie connotation of foreboding, as though doom and death and destruction were imminent. 

  That's just ridiculous. The fact that our taxes are due on the ides of April is simply a mere coincidence. It's all about the calendar, people; no significance in that date. 

  Having said that, I think we should all be afraid. Very afraid. Not just today. But every single day. 

  Case in point. I'm afraid to even get out of bed this morning. Not only is it the Ides of March, but research shows that most fatal heart attacks happen in the morning. Usually when you get out of bed and first stand up. Something about the blood pressure I think. Hmm.

  1. I need to get at least catastrophic health insurance!

  So let's say I survived the rising. What would I do next? Take a shower. Do you know how many accidents happen in bathrooms? Some of them fatal, even if you aren't a celebrity?

  2. I need to at least add ER coverage to my catastrophic!

  From there, I might check my email. I could totally open an attachment trying to help someone in Nigeria that would crash my computer and I'd lose everything on it (i.e., financials, family photos, my entire life's diary).

  3. I need to sign up for Carbonite, or some other depository for the contents of my hard drive which are updated continuously and are guaranteed to be completely confidential!

  From there I would likely crank the ignition on my car. My God! Everyone's out to get me! I will surely have an accident. 

  4. I not only need bare bones car insurance enough to be street legal, I need comprehensive! Which will ultimately have exclusions for every type of claim I might submit. Yet I'd feel more secure.

  Regardless of the level of car insurance coverage I may have, I'm afraid of red light cameras. I am not by nature a red light runner. I'm the one who comes to a complete stop before turning right on red. But gee whiz, even on my commute to work, the road I travel back and forth every day, it's confusing. Some lights are timed to the walk signals, (i.e. when they go red so does the light). Other intersections, the walk signal could be red and yet the light stays green for a minute. A minute is an eternity when you're driving! Other intersections the yellow light is so short that it lends credence to the term orange when you're going even 35 mph. With the view of a car in your rear view mirror riding your bumper. 

  5. Can't buy insurance for that, other than to have $158 in my bank account that the municipality clearly needs more than my kids and pets do. 

  I use my credit card at a restaurant for lunch. I later find that my entire bank account has been cleaned out by a thief. The police don't care and can't do anything, my bank is mildly miffed, and no one cares that the $50 I'm responsible for was targeted to go to either the water bill, my red light camera fine or the Lifelock identity theft protection policy that I kept meaning to take out. 

  6. Is it too late to buy a shredder? 

  It occurs to me that someday I might die.

  7. I need to up my life insurance! Why do they call it life insurance? Hmm.

  Beyond all that, I'm afraid to buy fruit. Everyone tells you to shop the outer aisles of the grocery store where all the fresh natural organic or non-processed foods are and I've tried really hard to do that. But  I'm weary of apples that are rotten to the core, oranges that are tasteless and mealy, and strawberries that are sour despite Reba McEntire coming to town. 

  I used to take vitamin supplements coz I worry I'm not getting enough through my diet, and then I find out that they offer no real benefits and in fact, they're actually bad for my kidneys! I'm supposed to get those vitamins through my diet, most of which I can find on the outer aisles of the grocery store. 

  I can get Vitamin D by being out in the sun, but I need to put on sun block to prevent skin cancer.  

  And  I'm starting to feel that I can no longer trust that carrots are good for my no-line bifocal eyes or that rabbits see any better than I did growing up. Their eyes are on the sides of their head. So what? I have two ears on the sides of my head. They don't make me hear any better, say what? Hmm.

  I swear, I could be afraid to do anything. Or NOT do something. But I won't be. Because according to the Roman calendar, following the ides of any month is the kalends which stands for the first day of the month. And as of now, that would put me right smack dab in the moment of April Fool's Day, which I think is where we all belong.